Spelldown
Characters:
Official:
--Bill: really has nothing going for him
Competitors:
--Henry: smart, kind, ambitious, lively #13
--Elliot: arrogant, pompous, competitive #42
--Julie: indifferent, bored #37


HENRY: *reading a book, puts it down*: Hey Julie.
JULIE: Yeah?
HENRY: You know what I don't like about the movies they make about these spelling bees?
JULIE: What's that?
HENRY: It's not really an underdog story. Who's the underdog? The kid whose parents weren't really oppressive, and genuinely enjoyed reading? The kid who read just a little less? I mean, who do you root for?
JULIE: The movies weren't really about the competition. It was more along the lines of the pressure on the kids. It was pretty much a showcase for them.

BILL: *off stage right, by the microphones* The final round will begin in two minutes.

ELLIOT: *walks over to Henry* Hey Henry.
HENRY: Yes, Elliot?
ELLIOT: You ready to lose?
HENRY: Lose? I'm gonna win this thing.
ELLIOT: Ha! I believed that about half as long as I believe phone is spelled with an f!
HENRY: You can't have half of zero.
ELLIOT: Yes you can. It's zero.
HENRY: What? You can't divide zero!
ELLIOT: No, you're thinking divide by zero.
HENRY: You can divide by zero!
ELLIOT: No, you can't.
HENRY: Yes you can!
ELLIOT: *pulls out a kit kat* No, you can't! *angrily unwraps kit kat* Look, you can divide this kit kat into halves, into fourths, but you can't divide it into NOTHINGS.
HENRY: *grabs and eats kit kat* What now? What now?
JULIE: You guys are idiots.

BILL: Children, please get in position. The final round is starting. I'd like to get this over with quickly, it's Shark Week on the discovery channel and I forgot to set my TiVo. Henry, are you ready?
HENRY: Yes sir.
BILL: Your word is "kakistocracy."
HENRY: Can I get a definition?
BILL: Kakistocracy. A government run by the worst citizens.
HENRY: *aside to Julie* There are governments that aren't kakistocracies?
HENRY: Kakistocracy. K-a-k-i-s-t-o-c-r-a-c-y. Kakistocracy.
BILL: Correct. *order shuffles, Julie is next* Julie, your word is nympholepsy.
JULIE: Do you mean narcolepsy?
BILL: No. Nympholepsy.
JULIE: Could you give me the definition?
BILL: Nympholepsy. To suffer from trances induced by sexual dreams or fantasies.
ELLIOT: They actually have a term for that?
HENRY: Well they couldn't just go around saying "that thing that Elliot has."
ELLIOT: Shut up.
BILL: Boys, you will refrain from conversing while it is not your turn, or you will be disqualified.
HENRY: Sorry.
ELLIOT: Sorry. *in unison*
JULIE: Nympholepsy. N-y-m-p-h-o-l-e-p-s-y. Nympholepsy.
BILL: Correct. *order shuffles, Elliot is next* Your word is homichlophobia.
ELLIOT: Definition?
BILL: A fear of fog.
ELLIOT: Hey, I suffer from that!
JULIE: You do?
ELLIOT: Yeah, it was a terrible movie. I stay far away from it at all times.
BILL: Seriously kids, can we please maintain some level of composure.
ELLIOT: Fine. Homichlophobia. H-o-m-i-c-h-l-o-p-h-o-b-i-a. Homichlophobia.
BILL: Correct. *back to Henry* Your word is invaginate. *Elliot chuckles* Be mature, Elliot.
HENRY: Could you use that in a sentence?
BILL: The concert pianist invaginated his metronome after the performance.
ELLIOT: *laughs* Now who's being immature?
HENRY: It means to put in a sheath, Elliot.
ELLIOT: ...oh. Sorry.
HENRY: Invaginate. I-n-v-a-g-i-n-a-t-e. Invaginate.
BILL: Correct. *back to Julie* *checks watch* Okay guys, this is going on way too long. If we don't get done soon I won't even be able to catch the episodes of Fresh Prince they put on late night. I'm just gonna skip to the really hard words.
JULIE: Wonderful.
BILL: Your word is orthotetrakaidekahedron.
JULIE: ...what?
BILL: Orthotetrakaidekahedron. It's a truncated octahedron. It's a shape.
JULIE: *long pause* Yeah I'll see you guys at school on Monday.
ELLIOT: Hey Henry.
HENRY: Yeah?
ELLIOT: Looks like it's a spelldown.
HENRY: May the best speller win.
ELLIOT: I intend to.
BILL: Elliot, your word is rhapsody.
ELLIOT: Rhapsody. R-h-a-p-s-o-d-y. Rhapsody.
HENRY: What the heck? That's not a hard word!
BILL: Well, it's got a silent h. Henry, your word is mujtahid.
HENRY: He just got rhapsody!
BILL: I don't care what he got. You have mujtahid.
HENRY: Mujtahid. M-u-j-t-a-h-i-d. Mujtahid.
BILL: Correct.
ELLIOT: How the hell did you get that?
HENRY: I have a muslim neighbor. A Mujtahid is a shite that's really good with law and theology.
ELLIOT: That's really useless info to fill your head with.
HENRY: Don't diss my neighbor or I'll give you one hell of an epistaxis!
BILL: Boys...
ELLIOT: The hell is an epistaxis?
HENRY: It's a nosebleed.
ELLIOT: Why not just say "nosebleed?" You're so lexiphanic.
HENRY: You're such a hypocrite, you're being grandiloquent too!
ELLIOT: You're nothing but a dysthymic ignoramus whose parents should have used a more durable prophylactic.
HENRY: *punches Elliot in the eye*
BILL: Boys!
ELLIOT: Ahh! My vitreous! It's a retinal contusion of magnanimous pain! *clutching eye*
BILL: Henry, Elliot, you are both disqualified from this spelling competition! Julie will be the winner by default. One of you can tell her that on Monday. *checks watch* I have to get home. *storms off* Oh, and grow up.
HENRY: He's giving the win to Julie? She couldn't even spell orthotetrakaidekahedredron!
ELLIOT: I know. Sexist. *they laugh*
HENRY: Hey man, sorry I hit you.
ELLIOT: Nah, I deserved it. Your parents probably planned to have you...
HENRY: Heh. You wanna go to the arcade?
ELLIOT: Yeah sure. *they start to walk offstage* Mujtahid is still a dumb word.
HENRY: You're such a racist, Elliot.
ELLIOT: Whatever man. You know, I woulda won that spelling bee...
HENRY: Yeah, it's tough when you get stumpers like "rhapsody."
ELLIOT: Well it's got a silent h!

end